apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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