Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
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