i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
tell me about the fingering
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
