There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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