How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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