If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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