wrigley field is MILF paradise
Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Randomize
