mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
two words...techno handjob
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
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