The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
