I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
