guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
