so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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