my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Randomize
