my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Randomize
