Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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