i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
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