I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
