I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
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