What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Randomize
