yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
