There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Randomize
