You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
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