Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
