I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize