Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
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