best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
