Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize