when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
