The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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