My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
