stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Randomize
