Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Randomize
