i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
