We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Still dying that you shit outside
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
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