There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Shame is for Republicans.
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