forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Randomize
