did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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