things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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