I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
