Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Randomize
