New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Randomize
