Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
