Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
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