Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
