Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
