i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Hippo gnu deer
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
