I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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