her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Randomize
