I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
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