Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
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You. Win. At. Life.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
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