Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
