Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
