If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
