Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize
