He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
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