Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
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